


Human Romance

by Farla



Category: Homestuck
Genre: BTF, Human Romance, M/M, Troll Romance, rbtp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-01
Updated: 2011-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-14 07:22:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/146819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Farla/pseuds/Farla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt:Okay, so we know that "matespritship is the closest parallel to the human concept of romance trolls have", but "closest" means that it's not exactly the same.</p><p>So I want to see our resident expert in troll romance finding himself falling into a romance with John and being totally thrown because he has no idea how to qualify the relationship; his feelings obviously seem closest to mating fondness but it somehow never quite seems to fit a normal flushed relationship.</p><p>In other words, let's see human romance being the confusing one for a change! Because even if only having one form of romance seems laughably simple compared to their tangled mess of relationships, I imagine that for a species whose primary emotions are hate and pity having love as another primary would be pretty dang confusing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Human Romance

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Anonymous](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Anonymous).



So they're not kismesises. They, in fact, cannot be kismesises. He could almost _hear_ the disgusting cheeriness in the other boy's hello in his head, and he hates him all the more for it - but he has to set that aside. And apparently humans have some complex system where they only like a certain gender for a certain quadrant, and if he was seething in humiliation a bit less he'd be almost sympathetic because it's hard enough filling those up without adding in any more trouble and god human romance must be so confusing.

A lot of trolls say that about normal romance, but Karkat isn't one of them. This is a staple plot. Vriska may have flailed around like a skewered grub for ages, insisting on blackrom even after all evidence and more importantly his explanation had made it clear this was impossible, but Karkat knows way more about this than her. He has all the movies. _All of them_.

John isn't his kismesis, so Karkat just needs to figure out which quadrant John _does_ fit into.

\- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -   
CG: HI FUCKUP  
CG: SO I GUESS WE KNOW EACH OTHER OR SOMETHING  
EB: oh you're the past backward one again?  
EB: haven't talked to you for a while  
EB: i guess we didn't talk much around now  
EB: which is kind of weird now that i think about it  
EB: you said you were really mad around now  
CG: MAD YEAH  
CG: WE'VE TALKED A LOT I GUESS?  
EB: yeah.  
EB: hey what conversation is this from your timeframe?  
CG: SHUT UP  
EB: this is kind of nostalgic actually.  
CG: YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON THEN  
EB: it's a nice change.  
CG: YOU'RE A TOTAL WASTE  
CG: OF EVERYTHING  
CG: OF THIS GAME  
CG: OF THIS PLANET  
EB: now i know what you meant back then.  
EB: it really is boring  
EB: when you've already finished a conversation from your perspective  
EB: and then the other person starts at the beginning  
EB: but if you didn't want that  
EB: i guess you wouldn't have decided on the backward trolling thing.  
CG: DECIDED YES.  
CG: SO HUMAN  
CG: UM  
CG: ARE WE WORKING TOGETHER  
CG: OR SOMETHING  
EB: well yeah! of course.  
CG: WHY?  
CG: WHAT POSSIBLE REASON COULD WE HAVE  
CG: TO WORK TOGETHER   
CG: WITH USELESS WASTES OF EVERYTHING LIKE YOU?  
EB: i was told you'd ask something like that!  
EB: and uh that i shouldn't say stuff  
EB: because i hadn't  
EB: and that this was for the best  
EB: because if i had you'd just have fucked it up somehow.  
CG: FUCK  
CG: TEREZI TOLD YOU THAT DIDN'T SHE  
EB: no you did  
EB: future you  
EB: in the past.  
CG: WELL FUCK HIM  
CG: WHY WOULD YOU LISTEN TO THAT ASSHOLE?  
EB: you're not that bad karkat!

\- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -

Karkat stares at the screen for a while. That could have gone better.

 _you're not that bad karkat!_ Pity? Was the human feeling pity for him? Karkat seethes then reconsiders. Moirallegence was one of the stranger quadrants. Could that be the destined romance between them?

He doesn't feel particularly pacified. Or maybe he's supposed to be taking up that role? Karkat never considered that possibility. But he is more levelheaded than the flailing pink human he's seen, isn't he?

He scrolls back further on the timeline, tries again.

\- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -

CG: HEY  
EB: hi karkat sorry busy bye!

\- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] -

CG: WAIT I'M TALKING TO YOU HERE  
CG: DAMN IT

He scowls and scrolls back further.

He tries warning the dumb human about the pack of ogres waiting for him. John accepts his advice but doesn't seem to care, which burns Karkat more than he'd like to admit. Several more attempts end the same way. The human just doesn't push back against his advice like a moirail should.

Karkat throws a fit in the next conversation to see if it's John that's supposed to be advising him. John seems to find this funny.

He scrolls back further, to one of the times John is flailing about like an idiot to tell him to knock it off. It doesn't work, the alien just ignores him.

And besides, now that he's calmed down a bit moirail just doesn't feel right. Maybe the human feels pity but his aren't so simple.

The thought of them being matesprits flits across his mind, but this is nothing like any of the movies he's seen, and not that much like he felt with Terezi either for that matter. Terezi can match him. This stupid alien who he's watched is pathetic and weak and enraging.

He keeps talking and going back.

It's a really weird feeling. He's familiar with rage, of course, and he definitely hates the human for a lot of things, like growing up on a planet where a scraped knee was nothing more than an injury. Or having his caretaker be someone who could talk, and in fact the whole idea of an adult that was supposed to protect him instead of kill him. He wouldn't be surprised if the lameass humans didn't even have culling drones, because the human John should have been slated for it a thousand times over.

But the thought of him being culled is... If your kismesis can't take care of themselves they're not worthy. There are some famous tragic black romances where one partner suddenly lucked into a battleship or some other weaponry and jacked up the stakes too fast so they ended up killing their kismesis before the relationship could stabilize again, and those are certainly things to mourn. But your kismesis getting killed by somebody else? What kind of kismesis could they possibly be if they couldn't even survive against somebody who _didn't_ hate them?

Is it weird to worry over someone? It never happens in any of the movies, aside from some of the comedies where they worry that their worthless kismesis will die and they'll be without a partner when the imperial drone comes by with its spades bucket. Karkat supposes the proper thing to do is ask someone else, and then he laughs himself sick. Yeah, maybe he could ask Vriska for romantic advice. Or Eridan. Or Kanaya. Or Aradia. A veritable bounty of potential advisors. Maybe with their help he could succeed at making this fuckup even worse.

You can worry about someone for being pathetic, Karkat decides. You worry over moirails. He thinks. Pretty sure. Well, you fuss over them and tell them what to do, or you get told, depending. But you don't hate them for being pathetic because if you did they wouldn't be your moirail. He wants to yell at the human for being so stupid, but he doesn't want to keep yelling at him, he wants John to stop being stupid.

He's...not completely sure about how he feels about Terezi. But mating fondness is inexplicable, and there is definitely that when he thinks about her. And he doesn't like the thought of her getting hurt, which is the pity part. When she does things, he doesn't hate it as much as he would someone else doing it. But he doesn't worry about her, she can take care of herself. Then he wonders if he'd worry if she were more like John, and imagining her going around like that, playing sburb and facing monsters, makes his stomach clench and twist.

But it can't be matespritship, he's already got a matesprit, right?

He finds himself arguing with John.

CG: THEY ARE FASCINATING SOCIOLOGICAL STUDIES OK  
EB: that's so lame!  
EB: i can't believe i let you give me all that shit about my movies  
EB: while all this time you were watching romcoms  
CG: OK SEE THE DIFFERENCE IS  
CG: YOUR MOVIES ARE STUPID  
CG: FOR STUPID MINI PINK MONKEYS  
CG: ONES WHO DEFECATE HARD IN THEIR MINI PINK MONKEY WRAPPINGS  
CG: WHILE MINE ARE NOT  
CG: UNDERSTANDING THE FOUR QUADRANTS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT  
EB: the what?  
CG: THE FOUR ROMANTIC QUADRANTS  
CG: IDIOT  
EB: i don't know anything about that  
EB: you mean, uh, like gay and straight and  
EB: are lesbians a separate category?  
CG: WHAT ARE YOU BLATHERING ABOUT  
EB: i don't know, what did you mean?  
CG: THE FOUR QUADRANTS  
CG: CONCILIATORY AND CONCUPISCENT  
CG: RED AND BLACK  
CG: THAT  
CG: RING ANY BELLS DUMBASS?  
EB: uh no!  
EB: so those are the four different quadrants?  
CG: WHAT NO THAT'S STUPID  
CG: THAT'S HOW YOU CLASSIFY THE FOUR  
CG: CONCILIATORY OR CONCUPISCENT  
CG: AND RED OR BLACK  
CG: MATESPRITSHIP IS CONCUPISCENT AND RED  
CG: AUSPISTICE IS CONCILIATORY AND BLACK...  
CG: REALLY IT'S SO OBVIOUS  
EB: yeah yeah i see where you're going with this  
EB: i've never heard any of those  
EB: trolls are weird I guess!  
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN  
EB: humans just have one kind!  
CG: THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD  
CG: I WISH I KNEW WHO WAS TO BLAME FOR THIS  
CG: I WOULD PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE  
EB: uh evolution i guess?  
CG: STOP BEING SO STUPID JOHN  
CG: WELL SINCE YOUR RETARDED PINK SPECIES IS TERMINALLY CONFUSED  
CG: (PROBABLY GAMZEE OR TAVROS)  
CG: I WILL EXPLAIN  
CG: IT HAS TO DO WITH THE TWO EMOTIONS, HATE AND PITY  
EB: are you sure we're the ones who are confused?  
CG: SHUT UP JOHN I AM TRYING TO EDUCATE YOU HERE  
CG: HATE GOVERNS BLACKROM AND PITY GOVERNS REDROM  
CG: WHEN YOU PITY SOMEONE SO MUCH YOU HAVE MATING FONDNESS  
CG: THAT'S MATESPRITSHIP  
CG: THAT'S THE WORD FOR IT  
CG: YOU'RE WELCOME  
EB: i guess we sort of feel that way  
EB: it's not really about pity though.  
CG: YES IT IS  
CG: WHAT ELSE WOULD IT BE, HATE?  
CG: EVEN IF YOU ARE SO INCREDIBLY PATHETIC YOU REALLY DESERVE HATE MORE  
CG: ANYWAY DON'T INTERRUPT  
CG: WHEN YOUR PITY IS PALER YOU'RE MOIRAILS  
CG: MOIRALLEGENCE IS WHERE YOU HANDLE EACH OTHER  
EB: um  
CG: LIKE WHEN ONE GETS MAD AND IS GOING TO DO SOMETHING DUMB  
CG: THE OTHER TALKS THEM OUT OF IT  
EB: oooh, that's what you meant.  
EB: yeah i guess we do that too! but we don't call it a romantic thing.  
CG: WHAT? WHY NOT?  
EB: well i don't know. because it's not about kids i guess?  
CG: THAT'S SO STUPID. I BLAME ERIDAN.  
CG: IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT ABOUT GENETIC MATERIAL AND REPRODUCTION  
EB: yeah i agree.  
CG: GOOD  
EB: i guess i have that one then! moirallegence.  
CG: REALLY. GREAT.  
CG: SO EVEN SOMETHING AS DUMB AS YOU CAN MANAGE TO FILL ONE QUADRANT.  
EB: is filling one important?  
CG: FILLING ALL OF THEM IS IDEAL  
EB: so you guys fall in love with four people at once?  
CG: FALL IN WHAT?  
EB: you know, romantic feelings.  
CG: OH. NO, NOT AT ONCE  
CG: HOW WOULD THAT EVEN WORK?  
CG: YOU'RE REALLY STUPID JOHN  
EB: well it's confusing  
CG: OK THAT'S TRUE  
CG: ALTHOUGH IT'S REALLY NOT THAT HARD  
CG: BUT EVERYONE ELSE IS STUPID ABOUT IT TOO  
CG: SO I CAN'T EXPECT YOU TO DO ANY BETTER  
CG: ANYWAY THOSE ARE REDROM  
CG: THEN THERE'S BLACKROM  
CG: THE CONCILIATORY QUADRANT IS AUSPISTICE  
CG: IT DEPENDS ON WHICH PART OF THE CLUB YOU'RE ON  
CG: ONE PERSON MEDIATES BETWEEN TWO OTHERS  
CG: AND PREVENTS THEIR HATE FROM BOILING OVER INTO A FEUD  
EB: uh...  
EB: isn't that a bad thing?  
CG: NOT IF YOU DON'T WANT A FEUD WITH THAT PERSON  
CG: BECAUSE YOU'RE ALREADY SPOKEN FOR  
CG: OR THEY'RE NOT RIGHT FOR YOU  
CG: OR ERIDAN  
EB: …  
EB: uh...  
EB: i guess we have relationships like those  
EB: we don't really aim to have them  
CG: WELL OF COURSE NOT  
CG: YOU CAN'T GO LOOKING FOR IT  
CG: THAT'D BE CHEATING  
CG: UNLESS YOUR INTERESTS ARE OF BEING THE THIRD STABILIZING PARTY  
CG: LOOKING AROUND FOR AN EXISTING BLACKROM TO MEDIATE ON IS OK  
CG: IF A BIT WEIRD  
CG: ANYWAY  
CG: FINALLY THERE'S THE BLACK CONCUPISCENT QUADRANT  
CG: KISMESIS  
CG: YOUR FATED ENEMY  
EB: that's a romance?  
CG: OF COURSE IT'S ROMANCE WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU  
CG: IT'S ONE OF THE TWO VITAL ONES  
CG: AND I MEAN VITAL IN THE MOST LITERAL OF WAYS  
CG: ALTHOUGH IDEALLY YOU WANT TO FILL ALL FOUR  
EB: why would you want an enemy?  
CG: JOHN THAT IS LIKE SAYING WHY WOULD YOU WANT A FRIEND  
CG: AGAIN LITERALLY  
CG: WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A DIFFERENT WORD FOR IT LIKE YOU FREAKS  
EB: i feel like this explains a lot actually.  
CG: GOOD I AM GLAD YOUR SPECIES FINALLY UNDERSTANDS THE CONCEPT OF ROMANCE.  
EB: i meant about you guys.  
EB: i mean you're supposed to love someone, not pity them!  
EB: and definitely not hate them.  
EB: what about other emotions?  
CG: YOU MEAN THE PITY SPECTRUM?  
CG: THAT'S LIKE MAKING UP A BUNCH OF WORDS FOR LOUD OR SOMETHING  
CG: IT'S ALL JUST PITY  
EB: that's really depressing.  
EB: you guys don't love anybody?  
EB: in our society  
EB: or species i guess  
EB: you fall in love with somebody else  
EB: and they're the one you care about and have kids with  
EB: it's a lot simpler than having four quadrants  
EB: and i think nicer than doing it because you hate the other person a whole lot.  
CG: EVERYTHING ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST SAID IS TERRIBLE  
CG: WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SPECIAL WORDS  
CG: IT'S ALL JUST TYPES OF PITY ANYWAY  
EB: love isn't a type of pity fucknuts  
EB: there's more than two emotions  
CG: YOU ARE EVEN DUMBER THAN I THOUGHT  
CG: SOMETHING I WAS NOT AWARE WAS POSSIBLE UNTIL JUST NOW  
CG: WHEN I READ THE WORDS THAT SOMEHOW CAME OUT OF YOUR SQUISHY SKULL  
EB: my skull isn't squishy  
CG: I'M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR STUPID PRANKS AGAIN JOHN

He scrolls around in the timeline, watching John. He stops a little way into the Medium, watching as John is smacked about by ogres and has to be saved repeatedly by his freakish sprite.

It's like the dumb kid has no idea how to fight. He just sort of flails around like an idiot and gets punched in his squishy face.

Karkat is sick of watching. He jumps to a different time, and then another, and then he switches to another timeline and yells at Rose to stop hitting on Eridan and then yells more when she claims to not know what he's talking about.

They have a plan, so Karkat busies himself with that instead, now and then flicking through John's life and studying himself study John, like he could carve his feelings out and pin them to a dissecting board to examine.

The human is nothing at all like Terezi. But he's not sure hate is the right word for it either. It's like some weird tangle of the two things. He wonders how many words the humans have for different parts of the pity spectrum. Maybe this is some unusual combination of those, maybe having words for this kind of thing so you can compare them isn't really that stupid...

Then he remembers they don't even have words for the different types of romance, and snorts. It's like how do you even get your priorities that backward?

By the time they show up in the kid's Medium, though, Karkat has finally worked it out. So after introductions, and then their interruption, and their awkward continuation, and Gamzee picking this of all the times to finally find a kismesis...

After all that, he manages to get John away to somewhere they can talk.

John looks like a dopey, uncertain idiot. More than usual. Karkat is terribly familiar with all the levels of his dopey-ness by now.

"I, um," he says. "I still don't hate you."

"Yes we're not kismesises," Karkat says. "That is a stupid idea."

"Oh. Uh..." And John just looks more uncomfortable, like he's not happy to find out Karkat isn't interested in fighting with him like that. And he should be, because Karkat would absolutely cream him, he's pathetic and he's still pathetic even now, after all the time he's spent fighting monsters and leveling up.

Karkat explains. He explains that he's been trying to figure it out for a while now, and he's finally sure.

"Um," John says again. He's sitting wide-eyed on the chair next to Karkat and looking more nervous by the second, which is so so so stupid and Karkat wants to throttle him because he's explaining that he ISN'T in hate with him and going to do things like throttle him so why does he look scared?

"It's like an auspistice," Karkat blurts out.

"Huh?"

"Auspistice," he repeats. "It's like that."

"But I'm not in one of your hate romances with anybody else," John says. Then he looks around desperately and says, "Unless you mean we're in a hate romance and someone else is in charge of mediating it? Someone else nearby?"

"No, it's like..." And he throws up his hands in frustration because his carefully constructed explanation is falling apart in his head. "I want to mediate, but with... it's like... You and...and everything. I don't know. The world. Between you and the world."

"Me and the world?" John repeats slowly.

"Yes!" Karkat yells. Then he thinks he's not doing a great job of this mediating thing and grits his teeth and says more calmly. "Yes. Because you're - you do stupid things, and everything is stupid, and - and I don't like that you're stupid and getting beat up by everything and killed in alternate timelines and fucking up the game and - " He stops and sighs. "Do you understand what I mean?" he asks, because it'd be nice if _one_ of them did.

"I...Yeah," John says. And he smiles at Karkat. "Yeah, I think so."


End file.
